I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
