one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
