remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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