Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
