I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
