i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
