I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
