How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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