So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
