Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize