If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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