Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
