mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
