Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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