Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
the liver wants what the liver wants
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
