I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm gonna have a badass scar
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
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My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
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Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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