my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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