Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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