I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I need help removing her.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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