After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You pole danced in your parka.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
