I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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