Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
