My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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