you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
