I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
