Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
