There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
