This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
