I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just saw a hot homeless man
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
