We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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