so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
