finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
