He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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