i already hear my dad disowning me
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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