I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
