and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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