Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
