The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
