In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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