I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
