Is it because I queefed?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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