Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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