New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
