that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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