i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
