I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
