So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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