You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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