FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
