drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
