Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
