ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
