So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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